Saturday, April 6th, 2002
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4:05 pm
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See my days are cold without you
But I'm hurtin while I'm with you
And though my heart can't take no more
I keep on running back to you
See when I get the strength to leave
You always tell me that you need me
And I'm weak cuz I believe you
And I'm mad becuz I love you
So I stop to think that maybe
You could learn to appreciate me
Then it all remains the same that
You ain't never gonna change
See my days are cold without you
But I'm hurtin when I'm with you
And though my heart can't take no more
I keep on running back to you
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(Go ahead and laugh)
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10:50 am
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"He doesn't deserve you."
"Yes, he does. He's a good guy."
"No. You're blinded again. Just like with Chad."
(Silence)
"You just don't want to let go of something "good", you're afraid you won't find it again. But you will."
"But what if I don't?"
"You will. You're a great person. You're a beautiful person. And you will find better. You deserve better. Don't let anyone, don't let yourself, think otherwise."
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(1 giggle | Go ahead and laugh)
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12:35 am
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nuri n i were talkin, and realized the 5th was our "aniversary".....that is, the day he came over n fooled around, lol. then i said, oh yea, the 6th is me n gavin's one month. so he goes "ok.....then they overlap." i said yea i guess lol.
".....so you cheated on me."
what do i say to that? i told him before what happened, but apparently he didnt listen, cuz this seemed a total surprise. hes pissed cuz even before i knew how he felt (weird, like i did), i still decided to leave him for gavin. he said it was "unforgivable". then stopped talkin. hes still not talkin.
I NEED HIM. I NEED HIM TO TALK TO ME. WE HAVE TO WORK THIS OUT.
god help me.
why do i hurt them all?
current mood:  crushed
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(Go ahead and laugh)
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Friday, April 5th, 2002
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1:53 pm
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Help Me
I broke apart my insides
Help Me
I've got no soul to sell
Help Me
The only thing that works for me
Help me get away from myself
I wanna fuck you like an animal
I wanna feel you from the inside
I wanna fuck you like an animal
My whole existence is flawed
You get me closer to God
Help Me
Tear down my reason
Help Me
It's your sex I can smell
Help Me
You make me perfect
Help me become somebody else
I wanna fuck you like an animal
I wanna feel you from the inside
I wanna fuck you like an animal
My whole existenc is flawed
You get me closer to God
ok im done wit the music.....for now:-)
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(3 giggles | Go ahead and laugh)
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1:50 pm
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~I Really Wanna Call You~
~But I Know That It's Not Right~
~I Prolly Shouldn't Tell You~
~But I Dreamt Of You Last Night~
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(1 giggle | Go ahead and laugh)
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1:33 pm
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~I heard from a friend today
She said you were in town
Suddenly the memories came back to me in my mind
How can I be strong I've asked myself
Time and time I've said
That I'll never fall in love with you again
A wounded heart you gave
My soul you took away
Good intentions you had many
I know you did
I come from a place that hurts
And God knows how I've cried
And I never want to return
Never fall again
Makin love to you felt oh so good and
Oh so right
How can I be strong I've asked myself
Time and time I've said
That I'll never fall in love with you again
So here we are alone again
Didn't think it'd come to this
And to know it all began
With just a little kiss
I've come to close to happiness
To have it swept away
Don't think I can take the pain
Never fall again
Kinda late in the game and my heart is in
Your hands
Don't you stand there and tell me you love me and
Leave again....
Cuz I'm falling in love with you again
Hold me
Hold me
Don't ever let me go
Say it just one time
Say you love me
God knows that I do
Love you
Again
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(1 giggle | Go ahead and laugh)
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12:47 pm
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you know what bothers me? ppl who can only look at the bad. who cant see the things they do have, and do nothing but complain about what they dont. i know we all do it sometimes, and thats alright......but when you take it to the extreme.......
i understand the depression.
i dont understand how suicide can ever be the answer. it makes absolutely no sense to me. whats bad enough to end your life? theres always the chance that things will get better. its definitely not worth the risk. who knows what your missing out on when you cut your life short?
WHY CANT HE UNDERSTAND THIS???
"Everything will be alright in the end. If it's not alright, it's not the end."
current mood:  sad
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(1 giggle | Go ahead and laugh)
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12:28 am
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i have a good friend going all suicidal. and they wont tell me whats wrong. something happened, but i cant know. i cant help. i cant understand.
does anyone know what a helpless feeling that is??
its horrible.
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(Go ahead and laugh)
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Thursday, April 4th, 2002
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10:25 pm
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10:19 pm
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10:10 pm
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8:52 pm
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andrew~
your the best friend i could ever ask for. prolly better then i deserve.
Have i told you lately that i love you?;-)
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(Go ahead and laugh)
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7:10 pm
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gavin came over, but we never got the chance to talk. my mom and sister were around too much. god, im really stressin over whats wrong. i mean, he seemed fine at my house. we had a good time. so what could it be?? its drivin me crazy. god, i just hope its not bad. i hope its not something i cant change, cuz i dont want to lose him. i would do nething for him.
well i wont say much more, cuz andrews prolly reading this, and hes heard enough of it:-)
andrew i just wanna say im sorry. and i know you say you dont mind listening to my shit, but i can tell you do. and its really inconsiderate of me to expect you to listen to all my problems, especially when they have to do with gavin, and the last person you wanna hear about is gavin. and i know you got your own problems to deal with. so whenever you got something you gotta get off your chest or you just want me to stop, say so babe! i do love you with all my heart, but if it hurts that bad then ill never say it again.
current mood:  guilty
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(2 giggles | Go ahead and laugh)
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2:50 pm
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AlmostBlonde2287: my personality:
AlmostBlonde2287: You are a very sensitive person. You refuse to view things only from a sober, rational standpoint. What your feelings tell you is just as important to you. In fact, you feel it is important to have dreams in life, too.
You reject people who scorn romanticism and are guided only by rationality. You refuse to let anything confine the rich variety of your moods and emotions.
Gavinp831: You refuse to view things only from a sober, rational standpoint.
Gavinp831: that sounds like u
AlmostBlonde2287: is that a compliment?
AlmostBlonde2287: lol
Gavinp831: not really
AlmostBlonde2287: then its an insult?
Gavinp831: no...
Gavinp831: forget it...... i'll talk to u about it later......
AlmostBlonde2287: no tell me now
AlmostBlonde2287: please
Gavinp831: kt.... just forget i said it
AlmostBlonde2287: !!!!
AlmostBlonde2287: i dont forget ppl say things
AlmostBlonde2287: lol
AlmostBlonde2287: it really will bother me
AlmostBlonde2287: why cant you tell me now?
Gavinp831: Gavinp831 (2:38:42 PM): You refuse to view things only from a sober, rational standpoint.
Gavinp831 (2:39:07 PM): that sounds like u
Gavinp831: there..... i crossed it out... its done now....
AlmostBlonde2287: whatever
Gavinp831: no..... its just i think that you'll understand better
AlmostBlonde2287: when?
Gavinp831: today..... when i come over....
AlmostBlonde2287: ok
AlmostBlonde2287: is something wrong?
Gavinp831: kinda...
AlmostBlonde2287: baby!!!
AlmostBlonde2287: tell me
AlmostBlonde2287: :-(
Gavinp831: thats y i want to see u..... i want to say it to your face.... not online or on the phone
AlmostBlonde2287: gavin.........
AlmostBlonde2287: is this what i think?
Gavinp831: what?????
AlmostBlonde2287: Gavinp831: thats y i want to see u..... i want to say it to your face.... not online or on the phone
Gavinp831: no.... i'm not breaking up with u if thats what your thinking
AlmostBlonde2287: jesus christ
AlmostBlonde2287: never scare me like that again
AlmostBlonde2287: omg
Gavinp831: no.... you'd know if i was breaking up with u
ok.....would that have scared the CRAP out of neone else?? omg i thought i was gonna cry. ill die if he dumpd me. ill just die.
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(1 giggle | Go ahead and laugh)
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10:51 am
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My blue horizon is turning gray
And my dreams are drifting away
Your eyes don't shine like they used to shine
And the thrill is gone when your lips meet mine
I'm affraid the masquerade is over
And so is love, and so is love
Your love and so is love
I guess I'll have to play Pagliacci and get myself a clown's disguise
And learn to laugh like Pagliacci with tears in my eyes
You look the same
You're a lot the same
But my heart says "No, no, you're not the same"
I'm affraid the masquerade is over
And so is love, and so is love
Your words don't mean what they used to me
They were once inspired, now they're just routine
I'm affraid the masquerade is over
that is the best fuckin poem ive ever read.....lol.....speaks to me.
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(Go ahead and laugh)
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12:13 am
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i made gavin upset. we're kinda fightin. he doesnt understand why im still friends with nuri. but cant he see i cant be dumpin good friends just cuz they dont like him? we like to think we'll be together forever, but thats prolly not the case. and when and if me n gavin break up, nuri will still be my friend. and aside from bein an asshole to gavin, nuri's still a good guy to me. and i know he cares bout me. hes just lettin his dick override his mind right now. as gavin is doin, to some extent.
but gavin had to get off in the middle of our "fight". he cant call me. hes really really upset, and theres nothing i can do to make it better.
Why do we hurt the ppl we love the most?
current mood:  exhausted
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(Go ahead and laugh)
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Wednesday, April 3rd, 2002
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11:33 pm
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NURI. AND. GAVIN. ARE. TALKING.
they're fuckin with each other online. all cuz this idiot (aka me) accidently gave nuri his sn.
now apparently they wanna fight or something.
THIS SHIT IS MAKIN MY HEAD HURT.
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(Go ahead and laugh)
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10:39 pm - HELP!
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im just gettin this bad feelin bout me n gavin. am i lettin this shit get too physical again?? i mean, i know i like him, but.....we havent hooked up in a couple days, even tho we've seen each other, and....i mean i still love bein round him. but it seems like on the phone, we dont have all that much to talk bout. we've actually had a couple fights. like, a couple today. although who knows if he even considers them fights, since i tend to keep the anger inside, and act like everything's fine. they prolly seemed like agreements to him.
ugh.
n hes gettin really mad cuz i wont give him my username. what am i gonna do? i cant just delete all the incriminating entrys (lol), cuz thats like my whole journal. i think ima tell him its too personal, and i give it to almost no one. so if he asks any of you, i wouldnt give it cuz its too personal.
but isnt this already completely fucked up that i have to lie to him??
im gonna go kill myself now. peace.
current mood:  anxious
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(Go ahead and laugh)
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1:11 pm
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ive gained 4 lbs so far over break. :-(
there is no way im going back to my old weight. it may only be 15 lbs, but i feel like after i lost it, everything changed.
before i had no bfs, no one that even liked me. my life has gotten so much better. not that its entirely due to the weight loss, but.....i dunno if its due to that at all. but in my mind, thats when things started to change.
and im NEVER going back.
time to diet. im serious this time. and you're all helping me.
current mood: fat
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(1 giggle | Go ahead and laugh)
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11:03 am
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 If i was a serial killer i would be Ed Gein .
The Original Leather face. Ed gein, started out as a grave robber, robbing graves for the remains of women around the age of 50 and using the bits and pieces that he found to furnish his house. Eventually moving up to living subjects Ed would go on to kill 3 local women whom he would decapitate, skin and leave on meat hooks in his basement.
He later went on to confess that he would fashion masks and vests out of the skin of the women he had killed, even going as far as cooking and eating their hearts. Ed believed that he had to do these killings because his dead mother told him to.
Silence of the lambs, Psycho and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre are just some of the many movies that have been inspired by the life of Ed Gein.
Kill Count: 3
Find what serial killer you would be, Take the Serial Killer Quiz now! |
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(Go ahead and laugh)
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almostblonde's journal
